Survivor of gang-related domestic violence shares her story to help others

The 44-year-old woman started a new life in NSW's north east 16 months ago, after spending decades stuck in an abusive relationship in another state.

She was honoured by her new community for how far she has come and for her ability to help fellow survivors.

A lot needs to change in how domestic violence is dealt with by authorities, she said.

Before Katie was 18, she met a guy. And that was it, she said.

"I lost everything, and when I left, I knew nothing," she said.

The man she formed a relationship with was in a gang, at the higher end of the chain.

"Once you belong to a gang, that's it," she said.

"If they can't have you, you should be dead."

When they met, she said he gave her everything she wanted. By the time his behaviour changed, it was too late. He had pushed her friends and family away, and had control of her finances, she said.

For the 20 years she spent with him, she said she left many times, spent two years on the run, but he would threaten her until she returned.

And the risk of harm grew each time she left, or reached out for help.

She said more needs to be done about the 'fire period' - when the survivor is at greater risk immediately after asking for help.

"You feel punished, you feel isolated, you feel alone, you feel it's your fault, because that's what the perp [perpetrator] does, makes it your fault," she said.

"So you take the blame, so then you look the guilty one to police, and you can't stand up for yourself."

The first time police took action and put an order out on him, she was gang-raped less than a week later.

She has had her fingers crushed by a pair of pliers, been hooked up to an electric fence, and seen her best mates take their last breath, she said.

"Every time someone caught me talking to the police, it was more punishment, and it just got worse, and it got to full-on torture," she said.

There were four years between the first time she reached out to police, and when authorities stepped in.

The problem came from the different police departments not communicating, she said.

It's uniform that turned up when she would ring triple zero, she said, and explaining her story in five minutes was challenging.

Once her situation came to light, authorities told her she had to leave.

The more police pushed, the more the gang pushed, and lives were lost, she said.

"It got to the stage where it's either life or death," she said.

She took what she could fit in the car, and went into hiding, eventually moving interstate to Tamworth.

It took her 12 months with police help to get him and his gang members through the courts, she said.

They were charged with offences such as drugs and rape, she said. And her ex-partner cannot leave the state he's in.

She said the effects of domestic violence don't start until after police step back, and court settles down. Katie said she feels numb, and experiences symptoms of trauma.

She said people ask why survivors die by suicide, and why they return to their abusive partners.

"It's because the help stops, and there is not enough help out there," she said.

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In the past six months she's helped more than 11 fellow survivors. She said a list of organisations want to interview her for a position, and want her to do workshops at conferences.

"But, I want to find me," she said.

She has found herself in a lot of ways, she said, but it's tough.

"There are days it retraumatises you, there are days it triggers you, and brings back memories," she said.

Each state needs the same laws, there needs to be more trained people on the front line that understand, Katie said, and more needs to be done about the "fire period".

"Survivors can help other survivors, no one else can," she said.

*Name has been changed.