I have always been different. My husband tells me that all the time. I have been told that by lots of people in fact. I appeared to have it all, but like a lot of us I had little self-worth. I really didn’t like who I was.
I was born the eldest child of five in a close family. Dad had been a chef in the Army and Mum had always worked in the local businesses around town.
I lost my way in my teenage years and became a ‘wild child’ somewhat manic in my behavior and thinking, never satisfied or happy, always involved in risk taking behavior too much alcohol and too many parties.
It was amazing that I made it to PE College and even more surprising that I managed to qualify with a Bachelor in Education specialising in Dance and the Arts.
After seeing an advertisement in the paper, I decided that I would travel to Baden Baden in Germany to work. While there I met a boy from Italy who convinced me to move there with him, but it was a very dysfunctional relationship and after three years, I moved home.
I decided that I would train as a psychiatric nursing. I commenced the course and struggled with study and commitment. However, I did manage to qualify in 1989.
I had met my now ex-husband after he had returned from Australia. He suggested that I come to Australia with him. Deep down I wasn’t sure that it was the right thing to do but again, I was running away.
Adapting to life in Australia wasn’t easy. When I became pregnant with my daughter I decided to do what I thought was best for us all. I decided I would do my best to make my relationship work. I was determined to be the best mother I could be.
The marriage only lasted seven years I had two small children who needed me to keep smiling and do the best I could to provide for them. I moved out with the children to go it alone.
My daughter was a talented gymnast and was chosen to attend the AIS in Canberra. By now I was drinking more and self-medicating just to get through. Everyone thought I was this bubbly and outgoing person, inside I was dying, alone, very angry and very tired.
I met my current husband and he proposed in under two years. His father owns an orchard in Young and asked us to move here. I finally acknowledged that I needed help. I thought it would be difficult to overcome my dependency. The excitement and craziness disappeared from my life and I felt really lost.
At this point I met my spiritual teacher. She showed me that if you worked on being loved you are love. I now know what my purpose in life is and who I am behind the smile.